When A D-List Dude Says, “I Have More Drugs Back At My Place.”
Omg, congrats. babe!
The vintage Cartier stunner is a modest 4 carats surrounded by a crown of sapphires. This ring is a perfect way to balance out hobo chic and adds at least 3 lbs.
Anyone who looks at this outfit will die in 7 days.
Rave Wizard Menace Couture
Wanna know what the secret to my magic tricks are? (It’s cocaine)
I literally just passed out from how fucking ethereal this is.
Comme des Garçons
Perfect for the end of the night when you’re falling into shit and don’t want to wind up with bruises.
World’s most expensive bargain bin.
My mom wore this exact dress to a charity gala in 1987.
Babes, I’m tired and I ripped my dress trying to climb out of the fountain—can we go home now?
My wedding dress for my second marriage.
Me in the future grocery shopping with my fourth husband.
After the Oscars last night, I decided to recover by turning myself into one. That’s right: this night recovery cream is infused with 24k gold which is said to improve the skin’s appearance and give you another hashtag to add to the list of gold shit you’re wearing when you’re throwing your #OOTD up onto insty.
Omg, MK & A! I’m head-over-Mary-Jane-pumps about the layering feature in their new frags. I tried it once with two other perfumes and my Chanel resort blouse went up in flames. Finally, we can safely combine two scents to make a different scent. Wear Nirvana black when you’re being a huge bitch and Nirvana white when you want to smell less slutty.
K guys, fur isn’t the only fab thing about winter. Enter La Prairie Swiss Ice Crystal Cream: the antidote to Polar Vortex rhino skin. Purple saxifrage and alpine snowbell are two plants that can totally get down in some of the planet’s harshest conditions. Naturally, they’ve sent climbers up into the deathly chill to get the extracts so that I can rub them all over my hangover face.
I have a confession to make, babes: all of those winter hickies were courtesy of my Wang turtleneck and not Zac Efron’s scruff as I drunkenly lied about last weekend. This mask will keep my skin fresh so that this Spring I’ll get legit raspberries all over from A-Skars or the Dude Who Looks Like Play-Dough.
I love any chance I can to channel one of my favorite White Girls in History, Marie Antoinette. While cutting the cronut line at Dominique Ansel, blow kisses with this shade that says, “I didn’t catch Affluenza on purpose, bitches.”
I broke my “Nothing Under $30” nail polish rule this year. Look for scented polish everywhere this summer— you’ll have an edge of smelling fabulous while pointing your finger in some bitch’s face during a reality TV fight. Until then, I’ll have my housekeeper pick me up the Revlon version up from Target.
Jessica Biel in Chanel Haute Couture
Nobody knows why Biel was presenting this year, but she’s married to JT which is literally like winning a Lifetime Achievement Award so suck it, haters.
Charlize Theron in Christian Dior Couture
Shutting in down in Malificent’s horns.
Jared Leto in Saint Laurent
Every 24-year-old who watched My So Called Life on DVD in 2009 just reconsidered ombré highlights.
Lupita Nyong’o in Prada
Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski
BFFs. I would have killed to sit next to them during the ceremony.
It’s Liza. So j’lectric.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in Tom Ford and Elie Saab Couture
Brad Pitt’s sexy LA douchebag hair cut + Angelina’s cheekbones = the couple you masturbate to.
Lady Gaga in Versace
Um… can I see your invite, babes?
Your best friend’s hot Mom who bought you beer in high school.
Pharrell Williams in Lanvin
I feel betrayed.
Pisces (2/21 - 3/20): You try hard to behave, but we both know that it’s way more fun to be naughty. Just ask your Pisces siblings Justin Bieber, Ke$ha and Robin Thicke, who let their freak flags fly and deal with consequences later. Do your thing and let your rapper friend (or a tiny, tongue-wagging twerker) take the blame for your shitty behavior. You’ll be fine!
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Getting Botox in your twenties isn’t crazy. It’s preventative care.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): Bored on a Saturday night? Start playing on Tinder during commercial breaks of Sex and the City reruns.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): You’ve been wanting something more from your friend with benefits (duh). Around the 16th, he/she might finally ditch the commitment issue excuse and confess their undying love.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): This month, you’re such a health nut that you bleed hummus.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): What’s another credit card, at this point? You’ll pay off all the others. The stars are aligned for a golden interest rate, so hurry!
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): I’ve got some red wine teeth with your name on all of them.
Libra (9/23 - 10/22): Discover a world beyond kitten heels.
Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21): You’re about to meet a new mentor who will drop some truth bombs that sting a little. Pay it forward by patronizing someone else.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Babes, you’re on fire this month. Go find the perfect bodycon dress and make everyone jelly.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): It’s time to start creating something that others will notice later on. An affair? A Pinterest page? The options are literally endless, so choose wisely.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/20): Your Rx this month is a drink in one hand, your cell in the other, eager texting thumbs and a bone to pick with someone.
Sorry you have to carry plastic shopping bags.
Kanye, Imma let you finish, but leather cargo pants are so hot right now.
Walk of Shame brilliance.
Sometimes I wear fugly shoes to make it seem fair for people who aren’t as pretty as me.
This is what I’m wearing to Lady Gaga’s space concert. Don’t copy me.
Project Runway unconventional materials challenge: REI Edition
Dries Van Noten
Disco Grandma is my go-to look for bottomless brunches. Nobody will notice my food baby with this big ass flower sprouting off of me.
Wocka Wocka Wocka!
Perfect for handling vintage clothing, because eww.
Maison Martin Margiela
Serving up Miss Gulch realness.
That awkward moment when Gwen Stefani’s Harajuku posse and Lisa Frank have explosive D all over each other.
I’m mourning the death of my witty open letter that only got 7 likes on Facebook.